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20 years of LOTR if it was satire

What most outsiders don’t like about The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy is that these aren’t fantasy movies. These are real documentaries set in New Zealand today.

The biggest hoax ever to the movie audiences on the planet is that Weta Workshop is a magical movie monster-making factory akin to Dungeons & Dragons Willy Wonka. It’s a lie. Peter Jackson jumps in the back of a ute and waves a camera and just films real life as it happens with no special effects required.

Hobbits are from Wellington, An Elf is from Auckland, Dwarves are everyone who lives in the South Island, and Orcs are Australians on vacation.

100% Middle-earth is not a tourist slogan, it is a literal rendering of the facts for tourist insurance purposes.

The Hobbit and the murder of Smaug the Dragon all took place last year and you would know it if Fox News didn’t constantly suppress the fact that Mordor fell in Aragon years ago. Apparently, Sauron is a significant shareholder of 20th Century Fox, and news of the destruction of the Mt Doom ring would hurt his action.

The worst thing about the Nazgul is their smell. It’s horrible if they sit next to you on the bus.

So, The Hobbit opens with non-union dwarf miners roasted to death by a corporate dragon who has no problem with exploitation. This leads to worker resentment and a plan to resume their capital investment with an independent contract agreement that binds Bilbo Baggins.

Like any Hobbit stoner who thinks the grass is greener in Western Australia, Bilbo adheres to the collective agreement and they all leave with a gay wizard smoking weed from Parliamentary Services.

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Trolls, bunny-powered sleds and giant spiders pretty much describe a normal Tuesday afternoon for most New Zealanders, but here Peter Jackson manages to take the everyday and make it last much longer.

Friends are put to the test, adventures have been experienced, and the protagonists find themselves challenged and overcome trials and tribulations.

I think there were 2 stone giants too many for my taste.

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